so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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