Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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