ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
