The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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