i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
