five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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