Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I need water and some morals
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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