I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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