im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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