is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
