i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
