I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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