i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
