woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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