The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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