And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
