He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
