You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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