Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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