No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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