I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
