I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
