I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
