I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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