I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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