Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
