please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
