So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
