I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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