this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
