just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
