Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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