i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So. Much. Porn.
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