i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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