Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
