I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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