just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
