my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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