and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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