You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
