somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
