We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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