I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need a beard to bite.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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