my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
