I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
