The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.