I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...