gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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