I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
