just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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