I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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