so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She announced her abortion via fbk
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
