Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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