I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
