Best friends brother. Beat that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
